Sexpire: A Sex-Positive Empire

Posts From Your Residential Amateur

Communication: The Difference Between a Relationship and a Relationshit May 18, 2009

Filed under: General — deverton @ 3:00 pm
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Communication is necessary part of human function. However, various forms of language, words (and how they mean to an individual), are common predicaments in having good communication. In polyamory, that is needed the most. When two people are struggling for equal communicatory ground, how can one other person be invited in that with their own voice and needs? It ends up with a dangerously uneven balance of power and relationship.

Is communication really necessary? To put it bluntly, yes, it is needed. You can say you trust a person, but if they are disrespecting things you communicated previously (i.e: boundaries, certain fears, needs, etc), then in a small way that is chipping away at your trust. Especially if you are finding yourself growing resentful of it.

Recognize your own communication style. Are you a talker? Do you just like to get things on the table and leave it at that? Do you need feedback? Also, ask your partner to recognize their communication style. Do they need time to observe and evaluate their own feelings? If so, can they get back to you later? If you and your partner have vastly different communication styles, here’s what you can do:

First, you have to meet eachother in the middle. If your partner is a Quiet introspective processor, and you’re a Talker, agree to some of the following: The Quiet one will tell their Talker partner to give them time. The Talker will respect that and give them time. The Quiet one will then notify the Talker when zi is done introspecting, and able to let the Talker do their talking. During which if the Quiet would like to share their introspects with the Talker, that would be appreciated. If the Talker needs feedback, the Quiet one should either explain and/or reassure [in case of miscommunication] of what the intention was. Here’s some basic do’s and don’ts in relationships. I’ll be giving you homework at the end!

DO: Use I statements.

Example: “I feel hurt when you talk about how cute some other girl is.”

DON’T: Use negative, accusatory language.

Example: “You always talk about how hot other girls are.”

DO: Seperate your evaluations from your observations.

Example: “I see that you wait to study the night before an exam. This worries me,

because you end up stressed.”

DON’T: Use your evaluations instead of observations.

Example: “You are such a procrastinator, no wonder you’re stressed.”

DO: Listen.

DON’T: Interrupt.

DO: Use specific incidents, and explain your feelings.

Example: “I was feeling insecure, because I think those girls are prettier than me.

When you talked about them at the restaurant, it furthered my insecurity.”

DON’T: Be vague, and not know your own feelings.

Example: “All you do is say how pretty other girls are, you’re such a pig.”

DO: Let yourself feel your feelings. Be honest.

DON’T: Act differently than how you feel because you’re worried

about hurting your partner(s).

DO: Explain your feelings. Explain your needs.

Example: “I feel insecure, like I am ugly. I really would appreciate it

if you maybe gave me a compliment.”

DON’T: Assume your partner(s) know what you’re feeling,

and how they are supposed to react.

Example: “Why am I upset? Well, you know what you did. You

should be sorry!”

DO: Be clear about what you are saying.

Example: “These are my boundaries.”

DON’T: Let things become “no biggie”.

Example: “Well, my partner might have forgotten that this

act is going against my boundaries, or pushing my boundaries.

It’s okay if I don’t speak up.”

Two great books for you and your partner(s) to get are: “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall B. Rosenberg Ph.D. and Barton Goldsmith‘s “Emotional Fitness for Couples” and/or “Emotional Fitness for Intimacy”. Please let yourself have a good, happy, and communicative relationship. Not a relationshit.


Hello world! May 16, 2009

Welcome! I’m Dani, your polyamorous, transgender, feminist and amateur sex expert! Why amateur? Well, I can’t really call myself a sex therapist, which is what I think a sex expert is. I mean, they went through all that schooling, and while taking off-campus “courses” like 101 blowjobs (that’s right, 101 blowjobs. Not blowjobs 101) is an amazing feat in itself, it doesn’t earn a degree. Someday that may change! But for now, you’ll have to bear with me and join me for the ride. Here’s a few common questions:

What’s the deal with the big words?

Now, some of my language may sound academic. This whole “polyamorous” word and “cisgender” and “feminist”; those are intimidating words, right? Well, Google helps. If you do not know something, feel free to Google it, or even ask me. Hell, I may even end up Googling it FOR you! In all honesty, I talk like I speak, and I am not exactly all that smart. C’mon, I don’t have a PH.D in my lap. I’ll keep it simple, okay? While we’re at it, I’ll be using some “brash” words, like cunt, cock, penis, pussy, ass, rimjob, etc. Why? Because they aren’t bad words. They aren’t mean words, either. They are words in the English language that society deems as unseemly and dirty, thus being bleeped out and (at one point) cropped out of books. Hooray for non-censorship!

Is this blog really 18+?

Technically, it is not. I was a teen once (I’m 20, that wasn’t that long ago…) and I had very little resources in person. So where did I turn to? The internet. Now, a lot of it was really bad, filled with viruses, and probably some real life ones, and icky. However, Google was formed and transformed everything. I could easily type in a question and things would actually pop up that pertained to it. That’s how I found out about Tristan Taormino, Annie Sprinkle, Kate Bornstein, and a whole slew of lovely women who basically taught me everything I know today. However, because of legalities, a lot of this stuff has to be considered 18+. I’ll go under a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy on here. If you email me and mention your age, that’s fine. However, if you comment, and you put your age, eh, I may get in trouble. I don’t need your parents emailing me or calling me to tell me I am perverting you, even though I am happily in a threesome.

Threesome? What are you, in an orgy cult?

No, I am polyamorous. It basically means I feel the inner capacity and ability to love more than one person romantically. Right now, I am in what’s called a triad. A triad is three people consensually date each other, all together. My partners are: Griff, a fellow FTM, and Steph who is biologically male but is genderqueer/fluid, and I often refer to Steph as a she. Sorry if there’s going to be confusion!

You’re transgender. What’s that?

I’m a FTM. That means, female to male. Now, have I had any surgeries? No. Will I? Maybe. It costs a lot of money, and hormones are expensive as well. Many people experience gender dysphoria, where we feel that our body does not match our brains. Mentally, I’m all male. Yes, I feel erections (not all FTMs do, don’t confuse this), get stereotypically male, and don’t notice my anatomy unless it is pointed out to me. I prefer male pronouns, and feel I am a male.

So wait, if you want to be a dude, don’t you like chicks?

Well, I’m a vegetarian, so no. Okay, I won’t play dumb. I consider myself pansexual. That means I love people regardless of gender identity and sex. Sometimes I call myself bisexual, to simplify things. Basically, I love people, not the outside.

Isn’t gender and sex the same?

No. Gender is the mental, while sex is the physical. A lot of times, they don’t match up, or become interwoven, or developed over time.